


Tired

by littlemonsteast



Category: Red Dead Redemption
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Men Crying, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-03
Updated: 2019-01-19
Packaged: 2019-10-03 08:48:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17280899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlemonsteast/pseuds/littlemonsteast
Summary: Arthur was tired. John kept waking him up.This is just going to be a bunch of suicial Arthur Morgan fics with John to the rescue!





	1. Watch Duty

The only thing Arthur could say to explain how he felt now was tired.

He vividly remembered the days he was a happy and mischievous kid, fighting everyone in camp, making a mess of things. Always smiling, whether it was after making fun of some goof that dared got trapped in his shenanigans or from eating something after a long time. He appreciated being alive everyday, he was lucky to still be alive if Dutch hadn’t found him.

His mother would be real proud.

Now? He wasn’t quite so sure about how he felt. Now he felt like it was too long, granted he was just in his early thirties, he had a long way to go. Closing his eyes, he tried to remember what happiness felt like, he was getting hollower and hollower everyday.

He remembered the old gang before John and all them, how happy he was then before they slipped out of his hands. Even his dog didn’t make it. He can still remember all their laughs and smiles too, it pained him to remember.

He finds himself going around and comparing everyone else’s laughs to theirs, being gravely disappointed after.

Granted, he did feel a little better when John came around, he finally had someone around his own age to talk to, he was lonely and John brightened everything up. Even on the days where he was giving up, John managed to keep him on his feet. There were times where John interrupted him at the worst of times and managed to change his train of thoughts with his own stupid thoughts.

He can even remember the night when he was finally over it and John just had to interrupt him.

He was tired of running and he was tired of drowning in sorrow. He was lonely, scared, and wanted nothing more than to sleep. He hadn’t slept much as of late at all actually. This must have also contributed to how he felt. He sat there under his favourite tree though, a spruce he believed it was, a revolver in his hands as he shakily loaded and unloaded the bullets. Tears had threatened to run down his face that night as it got hard to breathe. Everyone else was resting that night so this was his one opportunity.

It was a mistake putting him out as the watch that night.

His breath hitched in his throat into a quiet sob. His trembling knees drawing closer to him as he finally pushed the cartridge into place, his right hand assisting his left into aiming the gun on his temple. His thought getting the best of him, his finger rested on the finger until he heard distant whisper-shouting, panicking, he quickly out the revolver down, cutting himself on a blade of grass from the speed.

“Arthur?! Arthur! You hear me? Everyone is asleep and I thought you’d be hungry!” John’s distant boyish calling came out. They were in their early twenties at the time, John still followed him at this time. Arthur cleared his throat and raised a hand out for John to find him briefly before quickly rubbing at his eyes and forcing himself to even out his breathing so he looked moderately okay.

“Shouldn’t you be asleep, boy?” Not even bothering to look up at him when he hurriedly came over and sat down beside Arthur.

“Yeah, but you know me, thinking too much!” He laughs, Arthur couldn’t help but smile when John laughed. He was his comfort for now. His heart clenched as he tried to turn his head towards John when the man offered up an opened can of beans. “I hope ya don’t mind, I ate some on the way here.”

Arthur took it anyways and smiled fondly down at the can, holding it rather tight to keep his hands from trembling “thats alright, thank you.”

“Don’t mention it!” The poor bastard grinned as he quieted down to look up at the constellations. “You ever just want the big dipper to scoop you up and take you away?”

“All the time.” He answers through a mouthful of beans without much thought.

“Me too! I want it to take me away to a place where I’m richer,” Arthur can tell he’s smiling and looking at him now as he ate in silence, his own smile gone as he started to lose himself in his thoughts. At some point, he hadn’t even realised he was trembling till John called it out, “are you cold? I can go back and get you a blanket! Better yet, why don’t me and you trade post? I’ll make sure you’re awake and out here before anybody knows it!” Arthur could only shake his head as he set down the unfinished beans and curled up a bit, his revolver back in his hands, throwing it back and forth.

“No... no, its alright. I’ll manage.” Finally looking up and back at John tiredly, he can see John’s strong willed concern falter under the gaze.

John attempts to grab Arthur and pull him back to camp “You don’t look alright.. come on, maybe you just need to get warmed up-“ Arthur couldn’t help but violently shove John away, watching him fall back and hit his head hard on the tree, his eyes going cross-eyed, he looked betrayed in a way.

“Don’t ever fucking touch me again you, you.. you asshole!” He didn’t even know what he was saying, John looked as confused as he felt, he just continued on with the act though, hiding his ways behind anger “you ever touch me again, I’ll get uncle to cut you knickers off!”

“Arthur, I don’t understand, why are you acting so mean?” His attempts to get closer only made Arthur mire distant as he moved away before getting up to knee John in the stomach when he too got up.

“Don’t ever come near me again, you got it?” He hisses with as much venom he could muster for the time being. It hurt him more than it hurt John to push him away like this. He didn’t know why it turned so sour.

After that, things were never the same. They fought constantly much to Dutch’s and Hosea’s confusion and frustration. At times it got to the point where the two even attempted to murder each other in their sleep. Each time, it hurt Arthur more and more as he grew more and more distant from everyone. His smile that everyone looked to for comfort was gone and replaced by his grouchy face. Just like now, but less severe. Now, he couldn’t even look at John without feeling guilty. Antagonising him grew easier though. Those notes he wrote as an apology never sent.

He takes a deep breath as he leans up against a tree, looking up at the constellations like John would whenever the younger man would force himself upon Arthur to get all buddy-buddy. The familiar heaviness in his chest grew everyday as he fiddled with the revolver in his hands. His hand weren’t so shaky anymore when he held anything up to his own body in a way to harm him or with the intent to. Guilt stopped him every time he got close to the attempts. Not enough to stop him from those damned blades though, he learned from this girl he met a while back after talking her out jumping over a bridge into a bunch of sharp rocks.

It was foreign of course, stupid even, but he never knew how much relief and less stressed he felt even after one. Shaking his head at the thought, he was glad his hair was course enough to cover those retched scars of self-hate. Holding the revolver up to his temple as he had practiced, he takes a deep breath and doesn’t bother being quiet since everyone was out like a light, he pulls back the hammer and opens his eyes again. This time when he did, he wasn’t met by the stars, he was met by scared looking John, ripping the revolver from his hand.

Immediately his eyes darted away from those damned grey eyes, noticing the spilled beans on the ground along with a blanket dropped in a hurry. He wondered how he didn’t hear anything, maybe he was so lost in just going that he pretty much silence the world so he’d have some peace.

“The hell are you doing Arthur?” John’s voice real quiet as he tries to get Arthur to look at him, he eventually does so and that familiar look he saw last time this happened was stronger. Fear was thrown in now though.

“Nothin’ “ he answers curtly as he attempts to get his revolver back only for John to kick it farther, the man gripping his hand tightly to keep him from doing anything.

“That didn’t look like nothin’ Arthur!” His whisper returning to that whisper-yelling he once knew, just deeper. John smaller hands were trembling now, just like Arthur’s were. Looking down at their hands, he can see how much their trembling caused the bunch of hands to move. At some point, Arthur attempted to get his hand back as he curled up, not really caring that John was looming over him now since he refused to let of of Arthur’s hands. It was a bit comforting if he focused hard enough, he was pretty curled against John’s chest now.

“John, let me go.. please, I’m beggin’ you..” Arthur whispers as he tries to force himself to look up at John’s face, “I’m too tired to play games today John.. go back to sleep, I won’t bother you no more. I promise.” He was expecting a hard smack or something from John, he knew the man wanted him to snap out of it, he just didn’t expect the tight hug John gave him, moving to the side to force Arthur onto his lap to keep him still.

“Don’t talk like that Arthur! This isn’t the same.. We’ll be losing you! I don’t want to lose you Arthur...” he can hear John sniffling now, tell tale signs of the man starting to get too emotional. Arthur couldn’t help the tears rolling down his own face as his attempts to reach the revolver stopped. All he could do now was start to cry as he trembled in John’s arms. All these bottled up feeling he had suddenly flooding out as he too clung to John like he was lifeline.

“John, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.. please, you don’t have to forgive me John, I’m just too tired..” putting his head on top of John’s. The smaller man just clung to Arthur tighter as they silently cried together. At one point or another, John had gone to a nearby stream, making sure Arthur was in sight, taking the revolver with him. He soaks a rag then comes back to clean off Arthur’s face then his own, eventually retrieving the blanket that thankfully wasn’t too dirty, he wraps it around Arthur and himself, making sure Arthur was close as he pulled out his own weapon so he’d be watch. Arthur couldn’t understand, why had John come out here of all times? What brought John to think it was fine to just come and try to find Arthur when it was his turn again years after the first incident.

“I wanted to apologise finally, I didn’t understand why you did that to me. I thought it was my fault so I came here to make it up to you...” he spoke as if reading his mind, “now, I see why. You were going to do it that day huh? I heard faint sniffles coming from your direction and I got worried.” Arthur nods.

“Now you see how different it was now. My hands trembled a lot there, now... look at me. I’m a mess.” Earning a familiar shove from John.

“You ain’t a mess Arthur. You’re fine the way you are... minus the.. you know.” Arthur swallows hard as he leans up on John, feeling the younger stiffen at the gesture.

“Thank you for stopping it again..” he chokes as he starts to tremble again, he felt as though he was going to break down again, stopping when John’s hand suddenly settled on his.

“Shut up tree lover.” Now that made Arthur smile before he was chuckling to himself.

“Save it for yourself scarface..” he whispers before drifting out of it. Last thing he saw before he did pass out was John smiling.

 

* * *

 

The following morning, John had forced Arthur to open his eyes, disappearing before he was fully awake. The blanket gone, all he had now was John’s repeater. He couldn’t help the smile on his face as he looked over the gun and clean it affectionately before getting up to hand it back to John. Ignoring all the worried and confused expression from the sudden smile on Arthur’s face as he made his way towards John whom lit up too excitedly for Arthur, running over willingly even, abandoning his chat with Uncle and Lenny to grin up at Arthur.

“Hey scarface, thanks for lending me your gun.” Handing it over, John took it happily and raised a brow as he examined it.

“You cleaned it?” Arthur shrugs as he starts following Arthur back to his tent so they can sit and rest under the shade.

“Least I can do right?” John scoffs as he half-heartedly punched Arthur’s arm.

“Yeah, yeah, you owe me a lot though!” He laughs as Arthur rolls his eyes and wraps an arm around his head affectionately to hold him in a head lock, rubbing his knuckles into his head just like old time.

“Shut your damn mouth!” They shared a quiet laugh before Arthur got up to go on with his day. Continuing to ignore everyone as he left camp. It wasn’t until he was for sure out of sight did he stop to out a hand over his drumming heart, his cheeks heating up at the thought of John, a goofy grin on his face, in the water he looked absolutely love-sick.

Maybe.. there was something to live for after all.


	2. Chapter 2

Another shallow when then another deep one, another shallow then a deeper one.

  
Arthur was lost at this point, everyone knew it. He had given up and they’ve given up on him. It hurts to know how easily they gave up on trying to save him, it hurt even more knowing that Dutch even attempted to leave him behind on one move of the camp. He couldn’t help it. He needed a reason, all was lost now, he knows they know.

  
Looking down at the water, he watches his own blood get mixed in, it was calming in a way. To him at least, seeing his own blood kept him sane, it felt right to punish himself like this. Nobody cared about him anymore, right? So they shouldn’t care about what he does to keep himself up. Cleaning up his knife before putting it away, he starts to clean up his arm before putting ointment and wrapping on it, he was getting good. He started to wear short sleeves, even with the bandages still on. Little Jack always asked what happened, he’d lie of course then Abigail would take him away. They even took away his cart, gave him his things though. He was like Kieran at this point, not that he minded. The kid was sweet, he actually warmed up to the old O’Driscoll. They started sharing how they truly felt along with their deepest secrets.

  
Out of everyone, Kieran was the only one that knew about his fancy for men over woman. Of course that got him to question about Mary, he just shrugged it off and explained that he still loved her, it just wasn’t the same as how he felt around other guys he had grown fond of.

  
Kieran shared his background and how he got into that damned gang, started sharing how he never really liked the thought of sex. It was unpleasant to him. Arthur could understand in a way and Kieran knew that. They’ve grown so close that Arthur has given less of a damn about Dutch an ‘em, only one he really talked with anymore was Lenny, Hosea, and John (to harass him of course). At some point, Kieran offered to help out with his limbs when things got.. messy. He didn’t mind.

  
What he did mind though? Was the way John kept staring at him whenever he chattered with Kieran. He felt like he found somebody follow again. That was until the incident. He was the one to bury Kieran. He was the one to constantly visit the man’s grave. He was lost again, his smile vanishing once more. Solitude was his only friend, beside Kris of course, his beautiful stallion that always stuck by him no matter what.  
Staring into the crackling fire pit, he raised his head to the sound of feet coming his way, his dead eyes met grey.

  
“I uh, saw you lookin’ lonely,” John speaks suddenly as he kept an awkward smile on, holding two plates of food in his hands. Arthur blinks quietly before looking back to the crackling flames. He can just feel the frown on John’s face as he took a seat by the fire. Pushing a plate toward Arthur “I uh, haven’t seen you eating much lately so I brought you some food, I made it of course.” The smell was rather inviting.

  
“I ain’t hungry. Get lost scarface.” Turning to glare at the man. John’s frown returned as he starts to eat, looking away from Arthur. It was long silence, partying from the group distantly being heard, eventually Arthur caved and started eating when his stomach protested from the smell, the loose wrappings on his arm coming loose, eventually falling off, revealing what made John’s curious expression turn into horror which then turned into concern. John had placed his food down, placing Arthur’s down as well so he grab his arm and examine the damage.

  
“I-I heard from Abigail that they haven’t been treating you right because of some hurting and thought you be havin’, I didn’t know it was this bad!” The self-consciousness started kicking in as he tried to pull his arm back only for John to surprisingly keep it in place, eventually going to grab at the other, examining both arms with disappointment. “Oh Arthur... you should’ve talked to me! I could’ve helped you out, you didn’t need to do.. this.” Arthur looks away as John goes on to examine his legs as well, it was a tad embarrassing if he admits, having another man force your pants off of you before feeling up your legs, it was interesting.

  
“Its whatever Marston, things happen then you move on-“  
“But you didn’t! You have permanent reminders now!” He cries as he un-bandaged the wounds that were covered. He clicked his tongue and got up, running off to hell knows where before returning. Arthur refused to look at the man as he began to properly fix him up.

“I don’t need you bickering me like a mother hen, Marston.” John scoffs and hands him his pants back, he pulls them on as the man picks up their food again.

“Shut up Arthur. I’m just watching over my family, that means you too!” Arthur looks to him finally, taking his food back and eating it.

  
“Thanks John... that actually, means a lot to me. I needed to hear that..” smiling faintly as he relaxes, “I needed to hear that a lot actually.” Feeling tears weld up in his eyes.

  
“Don’t go crying on me Arthur, just shut up and eat.” Arthur chuckles lightly before doing so, finding some comfort in the new figure to walk into his life after being outcast-ed for coping in a foreign way.


	3. Chapter 3

Arthur was silent as Dutch yelled at him for being an idiot back at the old camp when they were attempting to escape. He knows he was stupid too. He just wanted to save the damn dog since he knew how much he meant to Hosea. He can feel the stinging on his cheek still, Dutch had slapped him with the butt of his gun earlier. Now he was shoving Arthur closer and closer to the campfire behind him, he did little resist, he wouldn’t fight it either if he ended up burning into a crisp.

Hosea was behind Dutch trying to stop him before anything too bad happened. He can see where it was going to. Arthur’s eyes went back to staring at his shuffling feet until Dutch grabs him by the front of his shirt screaming right into his face. He can feel the heat on his back as he was above the flames. He can see from the corner of his eyes the panic in the other gang member’s face, maybe because of how calm he looked.

“SON! YOU UNDERSTAND YOU COULD’VE GOT YOURSELF KILLED!” Dutch screamed finally before somebody else starts screaming.

“HE’S ON FIRE!!” It was like a flash because all of sudden he was sitting in Hosea’s tent getting his back tended to, his shirt on the ground, ruined from the flames. Dutch had pulled him up while somebody threw fire on him. He didn’t feel it though, maybe he just didn’t care. His back stung with whatever remedy Hosea put on his back.

Now? Years later, every time he undressed near Dutch he can see the pain in his eyes. Especially when he saw the newer additions to his body. He refused to stay anything about it to anybody. The time where he found the privacy to burn up was when he was on watch out which is what Dutch had been catching onto lately so he had cut Arthur from watch duty. Nobody but Hosea understood why thats why everyone had a silent grudge against him since he hardly had to do anything but exist in Dutch’s life. He didn’t care though. Thats why he often started disappearing and going on random task for any of the gang members just to get some fresh air and have time alone. There were times at night where he found himself up and crying silently on his bed as everyone else slept. There were even times where he would sit naked in the nearest pool of water to soothe the non existent burning he felt along his entire body.

“Arthur?” He was startled by the voice as he let his arm fall onto his pillow, nearly dropping his lighter before his wide eyes met a scared pair of grey eyes “Wh-What are you doing?” Arthur’s hand were shaking as he quickly pulled on his shirt.

“J-John I-I..” he didn’t know what to say. He was caught. He closes his lighter and sets it down with shaky hands “I can explain-“

“You don’t have to” John whispers as he kneels down in front of Arthur. He’s gently nudging at Arthur’s shirt to get it off, he swallows hard and only pulls it closer as his breath caught up to him. John reaches up and starts wiping the tears off the older man’s face “Arthur, I just want to know how much more there is. I want to help you..” his hand resting on his cheek. He swallows hard again before shakily moving his arms away so John can pull his shirt back off. He can see the sorrow in his eyes as he examined all the scars on his torso then settling to look at the one that was caused by Dutch on his lower back. “Was it because of...?” Arthur nods.

“I feel guilty for a lot of things. Its just after that incident that I started to realize how much I needed this punishment John... It felt right. I tried other things besides fire but, they never felt the same as fire.” He smiles a little as he tears off whilst looking at the lighter. That is until John pulls his shirt back onto him before tackling his to lay down on the bed, spooning him tightly from behinds so he couldn’t wiggle out of the smaller man’s arms and grab the lighter.

“Please don’t...” he whispers into the back of Arthur’s neck. As much as Arthur was shaking, he could feel that John was shaking too. He forces himself to bury his desires and puts his hand on top of once of John’s, interlacing their fingers.

“I’ll try..” he whispers, feeling him relax a bit before he sniffles and sits up to look down at Arthur, Arthur turning his head to look up at him.

“You’re safe with me Arthur. Just talk to me, not your lighter or anything else.” His head still in Arthur’s before he lies down again, tangling him legs with Arthur’s “I want you around till I die someday. I want us to grow old together because... I love you.” He whispers into his ear this time. Arthur freezes up but his hand grips onto John’s tighter before a sob leaves him. It must have alarmed John since he sat up and gently cupped Arthur’s cheek to look at him. “What-“ his hand was shaking, he just let go of his hand to hold his cheek, however Arthur was only grinning as he cries before sitting up himself to grab John’s face and kiss him.

“Ew you faggots!” Of course the moment was ruined as they both pull away from each other to glare at Sean whom immediately backed off. “My bad lads...” hurrying away Arthur chuckles softly as he lets John push him back onto his bed. That was one way to keep Arthur’s mind off of self punishment. In the first time in years he felt like he didn’t need the lighter everywhere he went.


End file.
